The Phases of Domestic Violence: How to Spot the Loops of Control—Before They Tighten (Part 2)

Part Two: The Outside Shackles, the Mind Games, and the Way Out

External Anchors That Keep You Moored

Even after you name the pattern, leaving can feel like jumping with weights around your ankles. Let’s name those weights:

Money Leashes

When he holds the paycheck, the passwords, or the purse strings, escape looks impossible. Maybe he banned you from working, wrecked your credit, drained the joint account. Financial abuse isn’t an afterthought—it’s a primary control lever. No cash for gas or groceries means no easy exit.

Kids in the Middle

Moms tell me, “I stayed so the children wouldn’t lose their dad,” or “He swore he’d take them if I left.” Abusers weaponize custody threats, knowing a mother’s love is a potent tether. Add the fear that violence could escalate during pregnancy or separation, and the risk calculus turns terrifying.

His Drinking, His Diagnosis

Yes, addicts and personality disorders can fuel volatility. But substance use or mental illness does not cause abuse—plenty of folks drink or struggle with depression without terrorizing loved ones. When he’s charming at work yet explodes at home, that’s proof he still chooses control. Promises of rehab or therapy may help him, but they won’t magically erase his entitlement.

Culture, Papers, Community

Maybe divorce is “forbidden,” or your immigration status feels fragile. Maybe the pastor says pray harder or neighbors whisper that single mothers are selfish. Abusers lean on those messages, insisting you’ll be shunned, deported, or damned if you speak up. Remember: no tradition, visa, or scripture commands you to endure harm.

Projection, Gaslighting, and the Mind-Swap Trick

Manipulators are expert screenwriters—they flip the script so you play villain and they claim victim.

Projection

He cheats, then accuses you of flirting. He rages, then calls you the abuser. That’s projection: dumping his shame at your feet so you scramble to prove innocence instead of questioning him.

DARVO in Action

Deny (“I never did that”), Attack (“You’re the liar”), Reverse Victim and Offender (“Now I’m the one hurting because you nag”). The goal is to spin you in circles until you beg him for forgiveness.

Gaslighting

Small rewrites snowball: “You’re exaggerating… you must be tired… that never happened.” Over time you second-guess your memory and lean on his version of reality. If you catch yourself apologizing constantly, keeping secrets to “protect him,” or wondering whether you’re crazy, the gaslight is blazing.

Reclaiming the Narrative

The good news: once you spot these tactics, their spell weakens. Your perception is not broken; it’s been hijacked. Start jotting incidents, dates, feelings—concrete proof for yourself. Lean on friends, therapists, DV advocates who mirror back the truth when his fog rolls in.

Knowledge + Support = Exit Ramp

Hotlines, shelters, legal aid, trauma-informed counselors—they exist to hand you strategy and safety planning. Leaving is a process, not one heroic leap. Gather documents, stash emergency cash, practice code words with trusted allies. Every small act of preparation is a vote for your future freedom.

Closing the Loop for Good

The cycle thrives on secrecy, self-blame, and hope that he’ll change without work. Name what’s happening. Refuse the blame. Accept only accountable change—words plus long-term action, not bouquets after bruises. And if you choose to step away, know that countless survivors have walked that road and rebuilt vibrant, peaceful lives.

If today you’re tiptoeing, replaying arguments in your head, or googling “am I abused,” let that curiosity be your first lifeline. You are not alone, not crazy, and not responsible for his behavior. Help is a call, a text, a conversation away. Keep the number for the National Domestic Violence Hotline (800-799-SAFE) handy, reach out when it feels safe, and remember: every time you say, This is abuse, you loosen the knot and move one breath closer to freedom.